† last pages †

if you want to know how someone is like, and if that someone had a notebook he writes on, why don't you try looking at the back pages of his notebook? for sure you will find a fragment of himself.

i have learned since my elementary days, that the notebooks' backpages are like the backdoor to most of my classmates' souls. it's where they unconsciously write their hidden desires, thoughts or even anything that doesn't need to be pondered upon. they write on it without inhibitions, as if their hands are in control of their brain. i have always been more fascinated with reading the last pages first before the real content of any notebook. it's like, fishing in an open sea, you think you do but you have no idea on what you'll get.

i usually hunt these back pages when i'm in a stalker mode. like when i'm into someone and i want to know stuffs, impersonal or personal ones. or if there's a notebook and the owner is nowhere in sight... i might as well look around.

i have seen many stuffs written on these clandestine pages, 90% of them trash. the predictable ones are unsent letters (perhaps just to lighten their heavy chest), caricatures of teachers and classmates, anime drawings, random words (cue words for homeworks left undone), curses such as "pak yu ka ma'am!", "amoy sibuyas seatmate ko" or "i wanna go home", doodles and chicken scratches (to see if their pen is still has ink), "lyrics" and (the most frequent) a "name"; written in all caps, in bold, and adorned with decorations or written in different font styles.

through this process of exploration, you'll get to know bits of information. useless ones i'm telling you. unless it intrigues you enough to seek other notes from the same source. you'll get to discover whom your weird classmate is crushing on, your classmates' most-hated teacher, your classmates' hidden obssessive compulsiveness.

i have two pages in my notebook with my name written on it a thousand times; my seatmate - Chot, asked me if i take illegal drugs. 'til now i still write my name on it just to see how ugly my hand-writing is.

just don't seek things you don't really want to know, sometimes it's better to know nothing. though i don't agree that what you don't know won't hurt you, i believe that what you know could hurt you more.

† somewhere only we know †

natatandaan mo pa ba noong una tayong nagkita?

naglalakad-lakad ako sa Payon noon, naghahanap ng kakilala tapos nakita kita. hindi ko maipaliwanag pero parang kinilig ako ng konte nun. mukha kang walang alam sa mundo at gaya ko, tingin ko may hinihintay ka din. naalala ko tuloy noong unang subok ko, wala akong kasama. hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. wala akong gamit. poring lang hindi ko pa mapatay… pero kahit mahirap, naging rogue din ako.

ngumiti ka saken, tapos ngumiti din ako sayo. tinanong ko pangalan mo, at ayun, nagpakilala rin ako sayo. sabi ko sayo ayoko ng buhok mo, sabi ko palitan mo muna tapos bumalik ka agad saken. sabi ko gusto ko kung hindi white, yellow para astig. at nakakatuwa, kasi sinunod mo nga, pinalitan mo nga ng yellow ung kulay ng buhok mo.

tapos ayun, nagkwentuhan na tayo. tinanong kita kung anong gusto mong mangyari sa buhay mo. sabi mo gusto mong pumana ng pumana. so sabi ko mag archer ka na lang… at naghanap na tayo ng requirements mo para mapasok ka na sa Payon’s school of archery.

tinawag ko si jellai para matulungan niya tayo. bale ako ang unang nanghahampas ng mga halimaw, tapos ikaw na ang pumapatay. mas gusto ko kasing mapadali kaya humingi na ako ng tulong. si jellai ang laging gumagamot ng sugat mo. so far, okay naman. sa loob ng isang araw tinanggap ka na sa archer’s guild. archer ka na agad. hanep, ang galing mo na pumana. minsan nagugulat na lang ako nawawala ka, un pala kung anu-ano na pinapana mo… nakakatuwa ka nga e.

tapos, ang susunod na hakbang eh ang pagbili ng mga bagong pana, shempre, habang gumagaling ka, kelangan mo rin ng mas maganda at mas malakas na pana. kaya ayun, ako ang bumili ng unang pana mo. saya ko nga nun e, kasi alam ko napasaya kita. binili na rin kita ng mga palaso, at mga gamot para makapag-lagalag ka sa mundo kahit wala ako.

araw-araw lagi tayong masaya… sa gubat… sa pyramids… sa disyerto… sa kung saan-saan. patay lang tayo ng patay ng halimaw. minsan pinapagalitan kita pag lumalayo ka saken, kasi ayoko pag namamatay ka. nga pala, eh ung first kiss mo saken naalala mo pa ba? kung hindi mo na naaalala, sa payon un. sa may gubat ng mga kawayan.

tapos… tapos… niyaya kitang magpakasal. ewan ko ba, basta gusto ko lang. pumayag ka naman. pero hindi pa pwede kasi kailangan mag-hunter ka muna bago tayo magpakasal, at kelangan din ng 2 milyon at 2 diamond ring. hindi naman ako ganun kayaman… pero pinag-iipunan ko na yun.

pero gaya ng ibang promises, hindi na yata matutuloy ung kasal naten… kasi… kasi… basta… ewan ko nalimutan mo na rin cguro. ü

…so why don`t we go? somewhere only we know…

† chronic nail-biting †

"Anniel, bakit ganyan ung kuko mo? pudpod!" -JM (classmate)

"ba't parang di ko yata nakikitang humahaba ung kuko mo?" -Jellai

"ampangit ng kuko mo!" -Dino

"tigilan mo na yan, wala ka nang kuko.." -Annie (mama ko ü)

here i am, with my fingernails ugly and all, hence i was called pudpod.

i wish i can avoid my chronic nail-biting. it makes me ugly, and it's so not-cute. i do it anywhere i possibly can; jeepneys, bus, classroom, while walking, sitting on the couch watching t.v, before i sleep, and often when i feel restless or nervous. i'm always fidgety with my hands, i don't know what's wrong with me. i asked my Psychology teacher what it meant, and he said it's a manifestation of insecurity. then i remembered Erik Erickson's theory of human development. there are eight stages of human development, each focusing on a different conflict that we need to solve in order to develop successfully into the next stage of our lives. the idea is that if we don’t resolve each stage or we choose the wrong of two choices, our ability to deal with the consecutive stages is impaired and the failure will return to us at some point later in life.

one of these stages has something to do with acquiring pleasure thru the mouth; the stage called oral sensory stage which occurs 12-18 months after birth. this stage is when a baby finds gratification by playing with his mouth, this explains why babies loves to thumb-suck and put little toys in their mouth. haven’t you asked yourself why? this is the first stage of Erik Erickson's theory.

i don't know what happened way back when i was a baby, maybe my bottle-feeding was suddenly discontinued hence my oral sensory stage was not satiated. but as far as i can remember, i've been nail-biting since my elementary days. then it stopped in highschool, and came back when i was a college freshman. i don't think it's unhealthy, i think it even boosts my immunity cause when i bite my nails i tend to put tons of bacteria in my mouth, which makes me immune to diseases. haha! joke! it's just that, being skittish with my nails at this age is not appropriate for me.

oh well, maybe i'm just plain insecure. ü

† paperworks and tests! †

the finals week is fast approaching and still i have a lot of things to accomplish. after finishing two reaction papers in a span of three days, having 24 pages all in all, and passing it to dr. Gil, my academic life is still in misery with paperworks for dr. Hicarte.

first, i have to submit written reports about the "Different Aspects and Institutions of Rural Societies" and "Socio-Cultural Change" in my Rural and Urban Sociology class. it's freaking hard to do because i have to really type it manually, i can't find anything on the net about such topics in the Philippine setting so i guess i have no other option but to rely on the book which was overly used. and patience was never really one of my best attributes so i'm still finding an easier way out of this paperworks.

second thing, is about our case study, good thing i'm with gian and jellai, so i guess i'm in good hands, i mean, they're not the type to leave me alone with this kind of intensive research. take a guess on what our case study is about? it's entitled "Ang Pinagmulan ng mga Taong Naninirahan sa Tulay ng Delpan". Delpan is situated in Tondo where notorious people, (some of them pickpocketers) like me dwell. jellai thought about this one, and we think it's cool, we really wanted to do this on our own so at least we could learn something new and not just plagiarize others' paperworks. also, we would like to enhance our skill with regards to dealing with different kinds of people, i even thought of giving three packs of lucky me pancit canton for every family that we will survey and interview. and the minimum number of families that we're talking here is around ten. pretty challenging huh? i wish the people there are welcoming enough.

then finals week, ahh! i'm freaking apprehensive about what will happen in my World Geography subject. okay, so of course it's World Geography so the test will definitely have something to do with map reading, worse - map memorization, worst - world map memorization! so here's the picture, there will be a blank map of the world, and we're going to fill it in with names of different countries and water forms, i think the only continent that i knew well aside from Asia is South America. i'm having a hard time with Africa coz the countries there have weird names. i'm also a bit jittery knowing that every country has a corresponding capital wherein i'm not really good at. having a photographic memory is not one of the nice things i'm known for.

pls. pray for me. i feel like eating fire instead of taking the World Geography test.

† bestprends †

from the title itself, i know u have a gist on what i will type on this freaking page. the following pictures you will see is those of my bestfriends, inah, dino and my chews. i have other bestfriends too, but they are the ones who knew me best, as far as closeness is concerned. though i love all my friends with the same respect, these three are the most special. they bring out the best in me, as well as the worst, haha! they've seen me in my most precious moments and in my humiliating ones. i decided to write about them, cause it's been sometime since i've told them how much i appreciate them in my own little way. so here they are. my bestfriends...

Katrina Talusan aka. inah

si inah, well, she's sweet, she really is. ganda niya no? she gives me a lot of hugs, since bihira na nga kami magkita, mas madalas pa ata rainfall sa Sahara kesa sa meet-ups namen. once every two months na lang kami magkita, but i'm happy kasi eventhough we seldom see each other, i know without a doubt she's still my bestfriend. i've learned a lot from her. humanga ako sa kanya nung narinig ko nung sinabi nya na "lahat ng nanay maganda.". it's a simple sentence (may subject at predicate), pero iba ung dating nung siya ung nagsabi. siya rin ung friend ko na nagshave ng "baby bangs" ko sa C.R. nila, and mind you, his father was very authoritative. kinakabahan nga ako kasi baka mamaya biglang dumating ung papa niya kung ano pa isipin nun sa ginagawa namen. while shaving my baby bangs, she was wearing a baseball cap, wala lang, natuwa ako sa kanya, ang kyot nya kasi nun e. siya rin ung kasa-kasama ko sa pang-i-stalk sa crushes ko. nyahaha! along with dino. si inah, driven din yan sa lahat ng goals nya. at nga pala, she will be a future dentist. third year na siya sa CEU with dentistry as her course. waw. sa kanya kami ni jelai magpapa-braces!

Divino Carlo Disameto aka. dino

if inah was sweet with me, dino would be as bitter as an unsweetened coffee. lagi kami nag aaway nyan, but a day never passes na magkagalit pa rin kami. we've managed to respect our individual differences despite the fact that we're bestfriends for five years now. sweet din naman siya saken paminsan, he buys me gifts pag birthday ko. minsan kahit walang okasyon basta feel niya lang akong bilhan ng small stuffs, and i'm thankful for those things. i used to be insecure with him nung first half nung highschool, kasi naman lagi kong classmate yan, seatmate, and shempre, comparison between us were inevitable. though mas magaling siya saken sa Math, and i guess i'm better in English, the usual, if i get the positive adjectives, they would give dino the same thing plus the word "more" before the adjective. ikaw ba naman magkaron ng bestfriend na ganyan ka-gwapo di ka ba mai-insecure? alam mo how we managed to surpass my insecurity? ayun, tinawag niya akong inggitero. tapos un, narealize ko ma-kyot din naman ako. mas kyot nga lang siya. at happy ako para sa kanya. may quote din akong nakuha kay dino, he told me, "ang tundo ay isang malaking basurahan". you see, with dino i've learned to assert myself more, to do things that make me happy in spite of what other people think or say. of all people, i'm most honest to dino with the way i feel about things, cause i know he'll understand. saka basta, he could be a menace to other people but to me he'll always be an angel.

Angeli Urbano aka. jellai or chews

to be continued... inaantok na ako e... wala akong prend na panget. lahat magaganda at gwapo. i'm blessed. hahaha! nababaliw na ako. tulog na muna aku.

† anger management †

a friend once told me, whenever you feel anger, or you feel outraged about a sticky situation or with someone, stop and contemplate about things. wait after 15 minutes, and then just move on with it.

in a lot of ways, my classmate is correct. kasi, pag lumagpas na sa 15 minutes ang outrage ng isang tao, ung blabbing, nagging at iba pang non-sense manifestation of tantrums, that is what we call... tan-ta-na-nan! - indulgence. yes. indulgence. minsan kasi ang mga tao nagagalit para lang magpapansin, hindi naman talaga masama ang magalit. it's in the nature of all animals, of all creations, cgruo kahit halaman kapag pinitasan mo ng dahon ng wala namang dahilan magagalit din dba?

alam mo kung ano ang masama? ung mga ginagawa, when anger is put into actions, particularly destructive ones, like hurtful words, wrong accusations and most often, violence. at ewan ko ba, minsan ung ibang tao, feeling proud pa sila to say na "galit ako", "wag mo kong kakausapin kundi naku". which they should really be ashamed of, i mean, sino ba tataas blood pressure? sino ba ang namumula ang ilong sa galit? sino ba ang nahihirapang huminga? isa pa, pride is one of the seven deadly sins. the deadliest as far as i know coz it's the one least detected.

o cge, given na ayaw mag-sorry, shempre naman matatakot magsorry ung taong nagkasala sayo kung nagwawala ka. baka nga naman hampasin mo ng kahit na anong makita mo dba? kaya nga suggested ung 15 minute break e, for the good of all. just try it, hindi naman kasi porke sinabi na 15 minutes, hindi ka na magagalit, shempre andun pa rin un pero the 15 minutes serves as the space for u to think, kasi walang taong galit na matino mag-isip.

on the other hand, kung hindi rin naman bukal sa loob mo ang forgiveness, forget it. mas mabuti nang magpaka-totoo, mas okey makipagbati after a year of cold-war kesa naman sa makikipag-ayos ka nga after 15 minutes, only to keep hidden grudges and making it grow. sabi nga nila, you reap what you sow.

† low marketability analysis †

tinatamad na akong mag-isip. kaya whatever goes na lang ilalagay ko dito. wahehehe... okay.. sawa na ako sa drama. haha! bwahahaha! gwhark. *ehem*

so eto na. ang mga possible reasons why i remain as single as a singular noun.

01: i don't go to crowded places.

clue: malate, libis and such places where singles and flirts dwell.

basta. hindi naman sa pagiging narrowminded, pero i do believe na someone you meet at a bookstore will always be better than someone you meet at a club. isa pa, i don't know. i feel out-of-place when i'm there. ayoko kasi mausok, (i don't smoke) and basta. maybe i'm being judgemental again, haha... been there twice or thrice pero i'm still not conformed to the norms there.

02: i'm not a street rat in general.

clue: once palang ako nag-LRT mag-isa and i've never been to gateway.

yap. hindi ako kagaya ni Aladdin na laging nasa kalsada. hindi rin ako mahilig sa malls. actually sm manila lang ako madalas kasi lagi kong dinadaanan to and from school. haha! isa pa, ayokong umaalis mag-isa, and since si bespren dino ay nasa cavite na kaya bihira na kami magkita. sha lang naman madalas kong kasama sa mga lakwatsahan e. ayun.

03: i'm not sociable in nature.
clue: i seldom talk at first encounters.

uu. di lang halata. though madaldal ako dito sa blog, at sa personal din, i only blabber exclusively to my classmates and close friends. (abangan nyo ko sa seminar ng chd kasi host kami ni noemi!) actually, napagkakamalan akong matalino, insightful daw and such, though in reality e madaldal lang talaga ako at mejo may komento ako sa lahat ng bagay, kung panget, maganda, and all those in between. un nga lang, i'm not as confident as i am in class when meeting new people and when i'm in a new environment. i tend to shut myself up like a clam.

04: i'm always broke.
clue: 7 hash = one week.

yefyef. read it ryt. so on the average one hash lang baon ko per day. buti na lang i seldom go out during weekends. and another thing, 1:00pm usual first period classes ko, so i eat lunch na lang sa bahay namen. ayun, i have a hundred and one reasons to ask for a raise kaso i think i'd be asking too much. kasi it suffices naman for my needs. may sobra pa nga paminsan e. matakaw lang kasi talaga ako. nagtataka nga ako e, kasi hindi talaga ako tumataba. haha! i'm physically blessed. ayun. kaya, no money no honey. no cash, no date. gets? kaya no bf-gf relationships cguro muna. unless anak sha ni Bill Gates.

05: i'm an idealist.
clue: gusto ko sweet. (john lapuz is an exception)

shempre. lahat naman tayo may certain standards na isine-set for someone to be with ayt? okay. hindi naman ako demanding, masaya na ako sa weekly meet-ups, dinner, movies, actually hindi naman me movie buff, di nga me nanonood ng sine unless may nag-aya, un. gusto ko, ung cute shempre, at ayoko sa maarte. gusto ko ung kaya mag c.r. mag-isa, hindi takot sa dilim, hindi takot sa ipis, hindi takot sa daga, at may sensitive na sense of humor. gusto ko rin ung nakakausap ko, i mean brain-wise, ung usap naman na may laman. kung mejo tatanga-tanga kasi okay lang, kaso tanga na nga ako papatol pa ako sa tanga dba? gusto ko din ung accomodating sa shortcomings gaya ko, kasi i always give spaces for faults, nobody's perfect naman kasi. but at least, i want to see him/her try to make things up for me.